The last few months have been emotional to say the least. I would like to think that over the years I have tried to grow and learn from my experiences, evolving into the best version of myself. I would like to think that.
Late last year was a turning point for me and the subsequent emotional upheaval has really worn me down. I started to take the time to really read a lot of the self-help books I had acquired over the years and the result was both exhilarating and exhausting. Suddenly I was feeling a magnitude of emotions that I had kept locked away and it has been hellfire to deal with them all. One of the most difficult things I wrestled with was “Now that I am aware, what do I do about it?”. Initially, once I started to realise that a lot of my problems had a solution and if I just believed in myself enough I could achieve the results I wanted – the fear and doubt started to creep back in with a nice warm blanket of denial to comfort me. Even as I started to notice this, I found it incredibly difficult to shake it off – I started feeling paralysed again. The realisation that so many things had happened either due to my inaction or rash actions really disrupted the peace I was aiming for. Instead of accepting the feelings and letting them pass I agonised over them, repeatedly until I found myself in a similar almost catatonic like state.
What good comes of this? Agonising over the past or all the things we did or did not do? All the things we think we may or may not deserve? Even though I know a lot of this is in my head, that is the very issue. It is a daily struggle. Once I get into a pit, its very difficult to get out of, especially when your mind convinces you that that is where you belong and you should wallow in it.
Depression has followed me for a long, long time.
The “burden” of feeling as though I am the only one that can save myself, quite often feels too heavy to bear. I must bear it. I must be the hero of my own story because that is who I am destined to be.
If there is anything that I have realised in life is that we cannot depend solely on other people, for our own sake. Other people aren’t responsible for our lives or our happiness and we should not expect them to be. In most situations where you are also able to do something yourself, you really should. If others wish to tag along that’s fine but the onus should be on you for your journey, happiness and wellbeing.
Growing up there were a lot of situations that I desperately wanted saving from. It became a recurring theme, wishing someone would save me and take me away. This perpetual wait for a hero when I should have been my own hero. In fact, I have been my own hero. Both a hero and an adversary.
I want to stop focusing on labelling myself, committing myself to one way or the other and just focus on my health (in all aspects) and growth. Being focused on other people and other things that do not serve a good purpose has been nothing but a grief-laden distraction. Why?! Life is so short.
I have to actively choose to focus on my wellbeing and future. Focus on me (in the best way possible) so that I can start living and not just existing.
For me, self care looks like a few things.
Cleanliness/Tidiness – I feel much better when I am in a clean and tidy environment. Mess and dirt really does affect my mood. I get so far in tidying/cleaning my personal space and I always stop. As though I am again waiting for something else to come together before everything will be okay. “Once I change my dresser, it will be fine, then I can start!” This must stop. I need to start, follow through and finish as best I can. This endless wait is what keeps me paralysed.
Reading/Writing – I love it. However, for many years I’ve found it hard to read but almost impossible to write. The anguish that came over me whenever I tried to write has been one of the most difficult things for me to deal with. I would buy journals and stationery that I could never bring myself to write in. They would sit and pile up and as much as I wanted to, I just could not pick up my pen. I’ve tried posts on my tumblr, on blogs and to an extent I could write a little but I always found that I stopped myself. Even as I write this I know I will edit it because it feels like its a little too rambly, too personal. That’s most likely right but at least I am getting it out of my system.
Taking care of my body, physically/mentally – I love my body but I don’t treat it as though I love it. My understanding of love needs serious revision. It’s time to get back into the gym, get those endorphins going and take the little steps to pamper myself. I can’t remember the last time I really treated myself beauty wise. We underestimate how such a small thing as a little pamper session can really make the difference in your mood. Even for a little while that can be the boost you need. I am going to make more of a conscious effort with my physical state in this way. Mentally, I am going to continue reading my self -help books. Continue journalling, either online or in my diaries. Trying to unlearn toxic behaviours I have noticed within myself. Generally spend more time doing things that I enjoy, interest me and nourish my spirit.
Spending time with people you care about/love – I am a very solitary person and growing up I didn’t spend a lot of time with other kids so I got used to spending most of my time alone. I’m still trying to understand and learn the dynamics in friendships and there are clearly a lot of unresolved issues that have rolled over from my younger years that still affect my behaviours today. I am trying to be more aware of this and be more conscientious but also not obsess over past mistakes. I am trying to make more effort to spend quality time with the people I care about and care about me (despite what my mind sometimes tries to tell me, there are people that care and want to spend time with me). To help and encourage each other in our growth and our journey through life, support and just enjoy the company. It is a lovely feeling to just be with someone you care about and that in itself is helpful and is a step towards healing.
I hope all of this will give me the courage to finish and submit my Teaching Application. I say it so often but I am so tired of selling myself short. Tired of having the same conversations and becoming more frustrated with myself. How exhausting it is to be aware of a situation but still feel paralysed. I get sick of trying to explain it (the few times I have tried) even as I say certain things I shutdown and try to end the conversation. This is another thing that I need to work on – letting emotions come and go without them ruling me.
There are lots of things that I need to work on. But acknowledging is always the first step. Action is next. Now is the time for action!
Thank you for reading, I hope you have a great day and take care of yourself. ?